faerydogmother

It has been a while since I have posted! School has been difficult, much easier to do little Facebook updates than to write a bit blog post. But I totally cannot concentrate this week. I have been thinking I need some lady friends to bounce ideas off of, in a private forum, and I thought of LJ! I have only 2 or 3 followers on here, and they are all ladies I trust implicitly to share my thoughts with.

I think you all know my story, at least the bits that pertain to this entry. Dead marriage, new love, OMG my life is upside down. I have rarely in my life gotten very clear messages from the spirits.

One time was when I was still a Christian (sort of..I was never very good at it). It was the night before I married Greg. Mr. Traditional didn't want to spend the night with me before our wedding, even though we freakin' lived together...I still don't get that, he thought it was obvious. Anyway, I was in a hotel room with my kids, and I forgot my earrings I was going to wear, and the kids were being squirrely (They were 5 and 8) and I dropped my contact lens down the drain and had no replacement... I called my fiance to get a little reassurance, only to have him bite my head off for A. bothering him and B. being stupid enough to drop my contact down the sink and C. not having more contacts with me. I ended up crying.. I was supposed to MARRY him tomorrow! The church was booked! Relatives were here! And he was YELLING at me!

Suddenly a voice told me...go ahead and marry him. You have to do this. It is important for you now. But you will fall in love again one day, and with someone more suited to you. He will be the biggest love of your life.

Weird. I didn't know what to make of it. Well, I did marry Greg, and we eventually he wanted to start swinging, and I left the church ( I was always a pagan, I just kind of forgot for a while. Another long story). We had a great time swinging. Eventually we kind of lost interest in each other, and he fell in love with Betsy, and I was left wondering what happened. Greg wanted us to be a triad, but Betsy isn't bi, and I was not attracted to her.

Then I met Randy. I won't tell you all the details here, but there was a great disturbance in the force that night. When he talked to me I got dizzy and almost fell over. It sounds all weird and woowoo but my universe changed at that exact moment. It was a dividing line between the then and the now.

It didn't take long for us to realize that we were insanely in love. Neither of us was looking for this. It was the universe throwing us together. With his love I have been re discovering myself. I am happier now than I have been in 20 years. It rocks.

But I did have my hurt to deal with over Greg leaving me. I have never had a long term relationship that wasn't open. My first marriage was very close to poly, we had a circle of friends that we were sexual with. Greg and I were swingers. And now I was terrified of being open. So Randy told me he was happy to wait for me to heal before we open back up.

That has been the cause of a little tension between us lately. I know he is yearning for his poly life. He hasn't been with anyone but me in a year and a half. He has been nothing short of awesome, but he is poly and it has been hard for him. I have been scared, scared of being left alone ("You will have all the dates! I will be alone forever! WAAAH!! I can be a baby sometimes. Not proud.) Scared he would pull a Greg on me (Though that is so not his style). Scared I just couldn't face all the rejection that had been my lot much of the time in swinging. Randy has several crushes going right now, and I didn't really have any. I was scared to look at anyone in that way. I haven't even been able to think that way, which is weird for me, and I have hated it.

But Beltane energy was very very strong this year. After some heated discussion (OK, arguements) we decided it was on. We are open again. And you know what? I FEEL FANTASTIC!!!!

We went to Sidhehaven for Beltane where Sherry put on an excellent circle. We raised some energy to an amazing degree. It is 4 days later and people are still posting that fact on FB. Afterward there was the poof and Wicker Man, and I kissed another guy. And he kissed back.

Shouldn't be a big deal, i used to do more than that with guys I knew less well (though I don't know him all that well). But it is a big deal.

I still can't quite believe I did that, or that he let me do that, or any of it. I don't know if it means anything. I don't know if I want it to go farther, or if he wants it to go farther, or anything. But that isn't even the weirdest part.

I have been thinking of ways for Randy to get to spend time with a crush or two. I find I really like the idea of him getting a date. I was so freaking scared of this before!!! I can't imagine how this changed, except for the Beltane energy. WHAT THE HELL????

I am so bubbly, so filled with the possiblities that may exist in the future, that I can't sleep or eat or concentrate. And I have no real prospects of dates or anything...and I love my man. And I want him to be happy. And I want me to be happy. And what if there is someone out there just waiting for us to open up? And what if there's not? I am confused and happy. I feel like I am 16 and my parents told me I can date now..and I wonder if anyone wants to. And I don't know how to tell if they do.

The world is on fire...some weird energy is going on right now. I wish I knew what it was.

Mari: Are we going to have chocolate bunnies for Easter?

Me: We don't celebrate Easter. It's a Christian holiday, and we are Pagans.

Mari: But it's FREE CHOCOLATE!!!!

Me: Not for us!!!

Mari: oh.....


Me: When is Easter, anyway?

Randy: (looking at calendar) April 4

Me: That is me and my ex's anniversary. Also the day Martin Luther King was shot.

Randy: Well, there are three things I don't feel like celebrating...


Compromise: Chocolate Ostara bunnies on Saturday!!!!

I am struggling really badly with my self worth and body image today. I don't know why. For the last couple of days it has been a real big deal.

Maybe now that I am on spring break, school isnt making all kinds of noise in my head and I can hear the noise of my depression again.

Looking on the web for help, the body image sites I find are no help. From the .gov, to feel better about my body image, I should eat better and excersize to lose weight. FAIL! I need to love the body I have, and keep it healthy, not keep trying to make myself a 20YO model. That is the problem. I do eat well, and excersize moderatly, and I am 48 years old and not of thin build!

Sites of a more feminist bent aren't helping either. They exhort me to love myself the way I am, but it is all platitudes. I know I SHOULD, but I DON'T, and I need more help than that.

I am a straight A student at the UW, which is not easy. I take good care of my family. I am passionate about some issues, environmentalism, intentional family, that sort of thing. I am a good friend and a good partner (most of the time). I have a man that loves me entirely and deeply. So why do I feel like a piece of crap about my looks? Why do I feel so ugly, and like it even matters?

What the hell is wrong with me?

For the first time in my life, I have money.

Not a lot of money. My college is paid for. The remainder of my student loan/pell grant money is in my bank account. Not my and Greg's bank account, MY bank account. I must look at it three times a day online. Just can't get over the fact that I have my own money, for which I am not accountable to anyone else! It is really freeing!

It is not enough to live on, considering I will get no more for six months or so (till the fall disbursement of funds). It is mostly a loan, which means I will have to pay it back. But it is in there. If my car breaks down, or my computer dies for real, I can take care of it.

Not only that, but they gave me retroactive money! They paid for my fall tuition (even though I already did, I have a huge tuition credit) and gave me MORE money! I am now thinking they will probably pay for winter, too. That would give me enough to live on.

But wait, there's more! I got invited to apply for a job at the school's writing center. I could earn a little and get some badly needed work experience. I need a resume, which is a problem since I haven't worked in 10 years, so have not much to put down. Going to get help from the school career center on that one.

It is so freeing to not be dependent on a man for money. This is the first time I have had that. Oddly enough, I don't feel like spending any of it...well, maybe upgrade my phone. But I don't feel like buying clothes, or dvds, or video games, or anything like that. I usually pine after these things, but now that I could splurge (a little, at least) the desire is gone. Tells me I didn't want the stuff, I just wanted the power of the choice of getting it.

I haven't been eating as well as I would like or getting enough excersize lately, and my clothes are feeling just a little snug. Not too bad, just like a little tap on the shoulder "hey, better pay attention to this!" In the past when that happened, I would be all over myself "you fat pig, you will never learn, so disgusting." Now, it just feels like something I need to take care of, about as much worth beating myself up over as if I needed a haircut or something. Just needs to be done, that's all, no self-worth involved. I would never say "you slob, you let your hair grow again!" This is HUGE.

And Randy and I went to the gym last night. I usually hate the gym. SO BORING!!! But I made a deal with myself. New music on the ipod, so instead of the boringness of working out I got the interestingness of music. And I did not make myself do anything I hated, so less elliptical, more treadmill. It was not too bad!

I feel like I need more social time. Really feeling like i have tribe now, and want to get to know them better. Randy is more of a homebody than I am at times, especially this time of year when he has tax returns to get done for customers. And the yard needs a lot of attention, which we only have time for on weekends. And our brutal work schedule doesn't help either, bed at 9 on weeknights, work from 6 to 5 everyday, then dinner and chores and homework...no wonder we are hermits. I will probably start to do some things by myself, which feels weird but there is nothing wrong with!

Just a few things on my mind. Will get back to the autobiography soon.

Haven't had time to write a regular entry for a couple of days. Here are a couple of things I have thought of lately that I didn't put in.

When I was 5, I took piano lessons for a little while. Like most kids, I didn't want to practice. I whined and complained. So my parents had me quit.

Then in later grade school, when they gave us an opportunity to start band lessons and such, I wanted to play the clarinet. Parents (mom) said no, remember how you wouldn't practice?

C'mon, I was FIVE! plus, other parents find ways to get their kids to practice. And to teach them that sticking with something can be rewarding.

Sometimes I think i will take up an instrument now..

So, I was an 11 year old girl in a woman's body. I remember one particularly embarrasing day in PE class (they were all embarrassing, really) where they weighed us all...in front of everyone. I was by far the heaviest girl in the class. Everyone laughed at me, and the teacher did not stop them. All these years later I still feel horrible.

My period started at school one day. I was totally unprepared. I knew what it was, from that film in fifth grade, but wasn't expecting it. I chose to ignore. By the time I got home, I'll bet my pants were soaked! My mom took me to the store and bought me some Kotex and a belt..It was so uncomfortable. The new pads with sticky strips had just come out, and my older sister talked my mom into buying me those instead..much better.

But I was still convinced my life was over. I wasn't ready to stop being a kid yet. For some reason, I thought I had to stop playing with toys and watching cartoons, and start being a grownup, and I was only 11! I got over it eventually.

I was in need of a bra, and when my mom bought me one, I talked her into getting me bikini panties like the other girls wore in gym class. She didn't want to, thought briefs were the way to go, but she gave in. I remember lying in my bed in my new women's underwear, feeling...squirmy. I didn't know why. I had hit puberty, but didn't know what sex was. But I felt naughty, restless...I didn't dare explore, touching down there was WRONG, and I didn't know what the heck was down there anyway.

One more incident stands out. I was definitlye now a cool girl, but there was a mother daughter tea at school that the cool girls were going to attend. I begged my mom to come with me. She didn't want to. Eventually I wore her down. I was so excited, I was going to get to do something normal! My mom showed up, all right..drunk. Couldn't even walk to the front door of the school. I remember the looks on the other kids faces. Another humiliation. I knew she drank a lot, but didn't realize how bad it was.

Long story short, sixth grade was a disaster year for me. I failed most of my classes, gained a ton of weight, lost my best friend, started puberty, and was unmercifully teased every day. I will move on next segment.

Maryanne and I were inseparable. We played every day, almost. We played in the mud, we rode our bikes, we read comics and books and watched Japanese monster movies. We didn't have the concept of geek yet back then, not like we do now, but she was one. Addicted to Star Trek and monster stories.
In Jr High, we started drifting apart. When I was in 6th grade, the start of middle school, I was 5'2" and 140 lbs. I wore a C cup bra and started my periods at 11. I hated it, wasn't mentally ready for womanhood yet. My skin was horrible and so was my hygiene. My parents, for some reason, didn't bathe more than once a week, so neither did I, and I needed to. I didn't brush my teeth or my hair well. The other kids got jeans and t-shirts, my mom dressed me in double-knit polyester and button down shirts. Button up shirts, more like it, since I was so embarrased about my breasts that I did them up to the top hoping no one would see them.
The other girls at that age seemed to be all legs and elbows, happily trying out new styles and ways of womanhood. I wanted nothing more than to be seen as genderless. I slouched and stank and was made fun of by the cool kids.
I was starting to notice boys, a little, but they only noticed me to make barking noises and pig snorts at me as I walked down the hall. A few girls were nice to me, but most were not. I started making elaborate fantasies about blowing up the building. That would get me expelled nowadays..

Someone invited me to church with them one Sunday. I had pleseant memories of church from being little, craft projects and storytime, so I went. It was a rather conservative congregation, but they welcomed me. The church dogma gave me the strict rules I craved in order to know how to act, and and excuse not to be cool. I ate it up. I argued points of theology with the teachers, but I felt wanted, and that was like catnip to me.

Maryanne, meanwhile, was getting interested in grownup scifi (heinlein, asimov) and in HP lovecraft and some pagan things. I was scared for her soul.
We went separate ways after sixth grade. It was my first broken heart. I have never had another female friend I loved as much as her.

Getting tired. More later.