It has been a while since I have posted! School has been difficult, much easier to do little Facebook updates than to write a bit blog post. But I totally cannot concentrate this week. I have been thinking I need some lady friends to bounce ideas off of, in a private forum, and I thought of LJ! I have only 2 or 3 followers on here, and they are all ladies I trust implicitly to share my thoughts with.
I think you all know my story, at least the bits that pertain to this entry. Dead marriage, new love, OMG my life is upside down. I have rarely in my life gotten very clear messages from the spirits.
One time was when I was still a Christian (sort of..I was never very good at it). It was the night before I married Greg. Mr. Traditional didn't want to spend the night with me before our wedding, even though we freakin' lived together...I still don't get that, he thought it was obvious. Anyway, I was in a hotel room with my kids, and I forgot my earrings I was going to wear, and the kids were being squirrely (They were 5 and 8) and I dropped my contact lens down the drain and had no replacement... I called my fiance to get a little reassurance, only to have him bite my head off for A. bothering him and B. being stupid enough to drop my contact down the sink and C. not having more contacts with me. I ended up crying.. I was supposed to MARRY him tomorrow! The church was booked! Relatives were here! And he was YELLING at me!
Suddenly a voice told me...go ahead and marry him. You have to do this. It is important for you now. But you will fall in love again one day, and with someone more suited to you. He will be the biggest love of your life.
Weird. I didn't know what to make of it. Well, I did marry Greg, and we eventually he wanted to start swinging, and I left the church ( I was always a pagan, I just kind of forgot for a while. Another long story). We had a great time swinging. Eventually we kind of lost interest in each other, and he fell in love with Betsy, and I was left wondering what happened. Greg wanted us to be a triad, but Betsy isn't bi, and I was not attracted to her.
Then I met Randy. I won't tell you all the details here, but there was a great disturbance in the force that night. When he talked to me I got dizzy and almost fell over. It sounds all weird and woowoo but my universe changed at that exact moment. It was a dividing line between the then and the now.
It didn't take long for us to realize that we were insanely in love. Neither of us was looking for this. It was the universe throwing us together. With his love I have been re discovering myself. I am happier now than I have been in 20 years. It rocks.
But I did have my hurt to deal with over Greg leaving me. I have never had a long term relationship that wasn't open. My first marriage was very close to poly, we had a circle of friends that we were sexual with. Greg and I were swingers. And now I was terrified of being open. So Randy told me he was happy to wait for me to heal before we open back up.
That has been the cause of a little tension between us lately. I know he is yearning for his poly life. He hasn't been with anyone but me in a year and a half. He has been nothing short of awesome, but he is poly and it has been hard for him. I have been scared, scared of being left alone ("You will have all the dates! I will be alone forever! WAAAH!! I can be a baby sometimes. Not proud.) Scared he would pull a Greg on me (Though that is so not his style). Scared I just couldn't face all the rejection that had been my lot much of the time in swinging. Randy has several crushes going right now, and I didn't really have any. I was scared to look at anyone in that way. I haven't even been able to think that way, which is weird for me, and I have hated it.
But Beltane energy was very very strong this year. After some heated discussion (OK, arguements) we decided it was on. We are open again. And you know what? I FEEL FANTASTIC!!!!
We went to Sidhehaven for Beltane where Sherry put on an excellent circle. We raised some energy to an amazing degree. It is 4 days later and people are still posting that fact on FB. Afterward there was the poof and Wicker Man, and I kissed another guy. And he kissed back.
Shouldn't be a big deal, i used to do more than that with guys I knew less well (though I don't know him all that well). But it is a big deal.
I still can't quite believe I did that, or that he let me do that, or any of it. I don't know if it means anything. I don't know if I want it to go farther, or if he wants it to go farther, or anything. But that isn't even the weirdest part.
I have been thinking of ways for Randy to get to spend time with a crush or two. I find I really like the idea of him getting a date. I was so freaking scared of this before!!! I can't imagine how this changed, except for the Beltane energy. WHAT THE HELL????
I am so bubbly, so filled with the possiblities that may exist in the future, that I can't sleep or eat or concentrate. And I have no real prospects of dates or anything...and I love my man. And I want him to be happy. And I want me to be happy. And what if there is someone out there just waiting for us to open up? And what if there's not? I am confused and happy. I feel like I am 16 and my parents told me I can date now..and I wonder if anyone wants to. And I don't know how to tell if they do.
The world is on fire...some weird energy is going on right now. I wish I knew what it was.